You are the Muse of my Hate
by faballa
Summary: One is mistaken for a prostitute on a regular basis. People have a tedency towards running away screaming from another. The third is barely considered human, especially not by the first two. REVISED & REPOSTED!
1. Chapter 1: The Bet

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **I now present to you, my faithful readers: the second installment of my five-part series!

--

Harry Potter sat at the bottom of the stairs, resting his chin in his hands. It had been early in the morning when a small, twitching owl flew through his window, bearing word from his dear godfather, Sirius Black. It seemed that he and his girlfriend, Hogwarts professor and distant relative of Harry, Esmeralda Slain, would be coming to pick him up in no more than a week. His aunt and uncle had seemed neither excited nor disappointed at the news, although they did flinch violently at the mention of Sirius' name. Of course, once he had received their permission, he had gone to pack his bag and park himself at the bottom of the stairs. He swore not to move until they arrived.

--

"So who is this godfather of yours and why are you living with us instead of him?" Vernon Dursley inquired angrily. He seemed rather angry that his dear nephew would be living in his house for the next few hours, although his could be upset that the dear nephew was obstructing his use of the stairs.

"I told you before: he doesn't have a house," Harry said plainly. He was tired of dealing with his uncle's constant questions about Sirius. "He's living with his girlfriend Esme now, she's about twenty, and she is also a distant relative of mine." Petunia Dursley had nearly fainted when Harry had told her that his godfather lived with a girlfriend fourteen years his junior. Of course, Harry _had_ neglected to add that Sirius also lived with his girlfriend's parents and seven siblings.

"How are they getting here?" Vernon stared out the window, as if he expected them to come flying into the house on broomsticks. Although it wouldn't have surprised Harry; from what he'd heard of Esme, that was just the kind of stunt she'd pull.

"In his letter he said they were using 'our' kind of transportation," Petunia turned to Harry, "I assume he means human?"

"He's not going to fly dragons up here." Harry smirked, "Though Esme does have access to a great amount of black-market hippogriffs."

"Stop talking so loud, boy! Someone may hear you!" Vernon hissed through his teeth.

"Yeah, but she said that getting them sometimes involves nudity, and you have to surrender your pride to get them…then Sirius made me leave the room." The Dursleys stared. They stared long and hard. Harry grinned and stretched out on the stairs.

The staring was interrupted by the roar of a motorbike squealing to a halt in front of the house. Loud voices came from outside, "Are you sure this is the right house?" Both Dursleys turned at the cheery male voice coming from right outside their foyer.

"It's the address Ron gave us." A familiar female voice joined the man's.

"Yes, but how well can you trust Ron? He's fourteen and not very bright."

"True…only one way to find out," suddenly the front door was kicked open by a black-haired young woman in leather. Not very much leather, mind you, just a very short black leather suit and knee high, high-heeled boots. Her accomplice was in tight black pants, low-heeled boots, a tight T-shirt and a leather vest, along with a ponytail, which Petunia Dursley disapproved of instantly. "Oh look Sirius," the young woman, Esme, said cheerfully, "we did get it right! Hello Harry; Harry's relatives! We've come to whisk you off to a summer of magic and wonder!"

"Stop talking so loud, you…leather clad harlot!" Petunia snapped, shutting the door. Esme stood awkwardly in the silence.

"So should we head into the parlor for tea?" She inquired as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What?" Vernon growled, obviously hoping to get these "freaks" out of his house as soon as possible, "We typically don't dine with…your kind."

"Well if we're going to be adopting Harry we should know something about where he's coming from," Esme said, widening her eyes innocently. Petunia's face suddenly split into a smile.

"Adopting? Please come in…dear."

Esme caught a glimpse of Sirius's astonished face as he mouthed to her, "_Adopting? What the fuck?"_

She winked and mouthed back, _"I'm getting paid by Fred and George to record this! Twenty galleons and free tea!"_ She raised what looked like a small Muggle recording machine. Sirius shrugged, defeated. Esme strutted into the kitchen, her stiletto heels sounding like horses' hooves on the hardwood. Dudley caught sight of the barely-leather clad woman and his jaw hit the floor. She winked seductively, earning reproachful looks from everyone else in the room.

"So, dear, what is it that you do," Petunia inquired, setting out some tea, "prostitution?"

"Um, no, I'm a teacher at Harry's school. So is Sirius."

"Ah I see that the standards for education in your world are a bit lower than the ones in ours." Vernon said, almost laughing. Esme's eyes narrowed.

"What exactly are you saying?"

"It just seems that, in the real world, you two would probably be on the bottom rung of society." Sirius began gesturing madly, waving his arms in elaborate patterns, trying to get Vernon to shut up, and failing miserably.

"_Excuse_ me?" Esme shrieked.

"It's simply the way you dress and of course, his motorbike…"

"Are you placing us in the gutter because of the way we _dress?_"

"Well, yes, I mean to dress like that you must not be very bright or have a sense of decency. I'm merely saying that you two dress as if you were a lady of the evening and her, er, manager, which is what you probably would be if you were normal." This touched a nerve in both Esme and Sirius. Well, not really touched, more poked and hit and stomped on. They leapt up in unison.

"'If we were _normal_?'" Esme cried, "What the fuck do you mean by 'normal'? You mean weak and powerless, like a Muggle?" Vernon shrunk back, "Look, mister, I worked hard to get where I am and I am not going to have some idiot Muggle attempt to cut me down to what he thinks I should be!"

At the same time Sirius was shouting, "Bottom rung! You don't know bottom rung! You think a prostitute and her pimp have it bad? Try prison, you useless son of a bitch! Try spending twelve years in hell for a crime you didn't commit!" He grabbed Esme's wrist, "C'mon babe, let's go."

"Right behind you love." Then they stomped out, leaving Harry, bewildered, sitting at the table. After about five minutes Sirius stomped back inside and grabbed Harry.

"Forgot my godson," he muttered.

--

"Mummy," Esme whined upon entering the kitchen, "the mean old man called me a prostitute. Do I have permission to murder him and make it look like self defense?" The three had just returned from a bumpy ride on Sirius's motorbike, which he had gotten back from Hagrid, and Harry had just finished vomiting in the yard. Now they were about to sit down to lunch.

"Perhaps, dear, if you wore less leather, they wouldn't mistake you for a lady of the night," Arthur Weasley said tentatively from the table.

"Nonsense Daddy; this is how Muggles dress!"

"I think you look wonderful," Sirius said softly, earning himself a full kiss on the lips, right in front of Molly and Arthur.

"Not in the kitchen and not near the children!" Molly cried, brandishing her spoon, "Now if you have to go snog, go snog where there aren't any people." Grinning, the pair ran out of the room, "And I've locked you out of your rooms!" she called after them.

"Damn it!" Harry heard Esme cry from the hallway. Molly shook her head at her daughter's behavior.

"Those two. It's like the rules of life don't apply to them," she sighed.

"Don't you ever worry that she might be getting in over her head?" Harry asked.

"Oh never. Don't tell Esme but," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "I highly doubt their relationship will even go anywhere. They're both so flighty it'll probably be over within the month."

"_Or _they'll get married," Arthur said, grinning.

"Oh don't say such a thing, Arthur! Once Sirius realizes he's free from prison, he'll want to date girls his own age."

"Now, I wouldn't be so sure. Sirius was just a bit older than Esme when he was sent to Azkaban; they probably still share that same, young mentality." Arthur shrugged, smirking a bit.

"You don't think prison changes people?" Molly said, her voice raising _just the slightest. _"We should just let their relationship run its course. I bet you ten galleons that before the time they head off to Hogwarts they will have broken up for good." As she finished making her bet, Ginny wandered into the room, looking a bit pink and stunned.

"Dad?" she began. "Esme and Sirius were snogging in the tool shed when I guess they leaned too hard against a wall and the whole thing collapsed. I think they're okay, but they killed a couple of gnomes." She paused, "I just thought it'd be good for you to know."

Arthur smirked at Molly, "I will take your bet."


	2. Chapter 2: A Big Surprise

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Wonderful news, all." Esme skipped into the kitchen after just having a conversation with the fireplace, only to find that no one was listening to her.

"…it only hurt after that one dream, so I think it has to mean something. The last time it hurt like that, he was actually in the building with me…" Harry seemed to be explaining something that had nothing to do with Esme's wonderful news. Obviously, that had to be stopped.

"Wonderful news, all!" Esme tossed herself onto the kitchen table, stretching out on her back. Her shirt rode a little bit higher and her blue jeans slipped a bit lower as she spread herself out. Sirius stared at her pale, flat, exposed stomach, "I was just chatting with a dear friend of mine in the fireplace, and it turns out that his plans for the Quidditch World Cup fell through and he lost his tent space. I invited him to stay with us!"

"Who is he?" Sirius did not take his eyes off her midriff.

"My bestest pal, Severus!"

"WHAT?" Everyone at the breakfast table cried, with the exception of her mother.

"C'mon, it'll be fun! I'm a fun hostess!"

"Snape hates me and wants me dead!" Sirius rose from his seat.

"And he hates me 'cause of my dad!" Harry rose too, though he was also looking at Esme's belly.

"And he hates me by association!" Ron had just come into the room and decided to join the yelling. Most people who hated Harry hated Ron by association.

"Tough. Severus needs our friendship now more than ever." Esme sat up and placed her hands on her hips, staring down her brothers.

"Why?" The three boys inquired in unison. The two teens had managed to stop staring at their professor after some threatening looks from Sirius.

"Because…who doesn't want to be friends with a human bat?"

--

"So, guys, this is Severus! He'll be rooming with you!" Esme pulled an unhappy Snape into the room by his wrist. He stared at Esme, confused and sickened.

"That's not what you said at the fireplace! You said you could find me a spot of my own through your 'connections,'" he growled.

"Well, you see, what I say and what I mean tend not to be the same. Typically they aren't even related!" she said cheerfully, clapping him on the back.

"You know, she wouldn't be the first person I'd date after I _left_ hell." Snape whispered to Sirius, after Esme had skipped away.

"That's comforting! I'm glad to know that the girls I date are nothing like the girls you've dated, especially that one year with Bellatrix," Sirius grinned wickedly. "Did you know she still screams your name in her sleep?"

"Play nice," Esme warned, taking hold of the Portkey. As they were pulled in, she could swear she saw Snape and Sirius glaring at her. _Oh well, _she thought, _they aren't my roommates. _

--

After going through all of the ministry setup to get their plot, the Weasleys, Esme, Sirius, and Snape began to set up camp.

"All right," Arthur rubbed his palms together, "the boys and I will set up our tent, Sirius and Professor Snape, why don't you help the girls with theirs?" Esme had already begun stabbing poles into the ground at awkward angles, not making anything of a tent.

"Here, Esme, let me help…" Sirius began, trying to adjust some of the poles so they were within six feet of each other.

"I can do it, love. Why don't you go get some firewood? Severus can go with you."

"That's quite all right, dear." Sirius trudged off, obviously miffed that he had been sent away, instead of Snape. Esme went back to jamming things into the ground.

"You know, it's actually supposed to resemble a tent," Snape said lazily from the side. Esme, annoyed by his tone, whipped her wand out. She pulled it back as if she were about to smack a child across the hands with a ruler, and brought it down quickly, causing fire to erupt over her hand. She screamed in agony and began leaping around, waving her hand. Snape completely lost it and burst out laughing; it was the first time any of the students had ever seen him smile. Esme ran by him, catching his hair on fire in the process.

"I thought we might need some water for cooking so I went by the well—OH MY GOD!" Sirius tossed his bucket of water over Esme.

"Thanks love; that was beginning to hurt." She said, shaking her burned hand. Snape ran past her.

"IN CASE NO ONE'S NOTICED, I'M STILL ON FIRE!"

--

"Well, it's been an interesting day, um, Esme, yes, you're not allowed to have friends over anymore." Arthur said, eyeing the bandages wrapping Snape's head. Around the fire, Sirius, Esme, Snape, Bill, Charlie, George and Mr. Weasley nursed minor wounds, including multiple first and second degree burns, bruises from having assorted buckets, firewood, and camping supplies thrown at them. The majority of the adults were rather damp.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Esme leaned against her boyfriend and closed her eyes dreamily. "I love you."

"What?" he gasped.

"Remember that phrase; it could save my life someday."

"Uh-huh."

"So, Miss Slain, I assume you have all of your lesson plans for the year prepared," Snape began, eyeing Sirius rather nervously.

"Don't talk to me about work, Severus. We're in the middle of a forest; no one would find your body." At that, Esme dozed off on Sirius' shoulder.

"Time for bed," he said softly, as he scooped her up in his arms and carried her off to the girls' tent.

--

"Quidditch, Quidditch, Quidditch, QUIDDITCH!" Esme skipped happily between her lover and her colleague. "Oh Severus, do you remember the last Quidditch game you and I went to?"

"You mean the one where you and I went handcuffed and you were practically nude? Yes, I remember it quite, quite well." Snape smirked at the livid look on Sirius' face. Esme, sensing an imminent fight on the stairs to their seats, intervened.

"Look, um, Bulgarians!" They clamored into their seats, Snape and Sirius still sharing a hateful glare. After moments of glaring, Lucius Malfoy came by and said some bitchy stuff to Arthur, then approached Esme, Sirius, and Snape.

"Look, Lucius, you're not the only one who can avoid jail time! After what we did to each other yesterday, the three of us should probably be in Azkaban for life, _just like you._" Her lip curled up, and for the first time since Sirius and Snape had met her, Esme looked dangerous.

"You know, Miss Slain, if I were you I'd be a bit more careful about losing your place as a professor," he said, sounding nearly as greasy as Snape.

"And if _I _were you I'd be a bit more worried about people finding out that the poor little girl you adopted hadn't died, but had merely been abandoned," she simpered, looking innocent.

"I think the ministry is more likely to believe me over you."

"And I'm not frightened of men who abandoned their children!"

"Good day, Miss Slain!" He nodded at Snape, "Severus." Who returned his greeting with a curt nod. As Lucius walked away, Sirius turned to Esme, examining her stony face.

"Esme, you know you're one of the strongest people I know, and ever since I've met you…well I just want you to know that I love you, and I'll always be here for you."

"Oh, Sirius, if I didn't know better…" she just laughed and shook her head.­ ­

--

"Oh, Ireland! Oh, Ireland! Our true and native land!" Esme traipsed along, leaning on Sirius' shoulder, singing to the tune of the Canadian national anthem. "Oh I jus' luuuurve Quidditch!" she slurred.

"How do you even know who won?" Bill commented darkly from the side, "You spent the whole night snogging and drinking.

"Now, now," Sirius said, shooting apologetic looks at Bill and Arthur, "it's not her fault she can't hold her liquor," he wrapped an arm around her waist, supporting her, "Come now, let's get you some coffee." Snape snorted through his gigantic nose.

"Coffee? Lord, Black, you've been without a wand for too long," they'd arrived at their plot and all went into the boys' tent. Snape took out his wand and sharply rapped Esme on the back of the head.

"Ow! What the fuck was that for?" Esme, immediately sobered, rubbed the back of her head. Ron turned to Harry.

"Gee, Harry, what's more fun: a cheerful, drunken Esme, or an angry sober Esme?"

"Gee Ron—" Sirius cut him off.

"Gee Ron, Harry; guess which two boys get the first detentions of the year?"

--


	3. Chapter 3: The Death Eaters Return

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"I'll kill him. I swear to God, I'll kill him," Esme sat, her face slit up the right side, fuming. Her pale blue eyes flashed in the dim light, and her palm was clenched so tightly one might swear her palm would start bleeding. "The next time I see him, his skull will be ground into dust, his brain wrung out and woven into a blanket, and I'll eat his heart to gain his courage."

"Now let's not be, um, _crazy_." Sirius laid a comforting hand upon her back, "It was dark; he probably didn't recognize—ah!" Arthur, Ron, Harry, and Hermione burst into the tent, panting.

"Dark Mark…in the sky…" Arthur gasped, "Esme, want happened to your face?"

"Daddy doled out some punishment," Snape smirked, handing her a goblet of something foamy and vile.

"When we caught up with the Death Eaters, one of them, who looked_ a lot_ like Lucius Malfoy, pulled a wand on Esme," Sirius gestured to the bright red, bleeding scratch running from her cheekbone to her chin. He glared at Snape, "Gee, Snivellus, didn't see you anywhere once we caught up with them. Having fun with your old friends, or too _scared_ to be seen around them?"

"You know, Black, I think our friendship would be stronger if we_ didn't_ ask each other what we did in our free time."

"We're friends?"

"How cute. I've said the same thing to your little girlfriend millions of times."

--

"This year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I would like all of my professors to know that the Ultimate Evil threat level has been raised to green." Dumbledore said cheerfully, addressing his workers. "Any questions? Yes, Esme."

"Why is it that every year since I've started working here the Ultimate Evil threat level goes up? Last year it was yellow, this year it's green, next year it'll probably be blue, then purple, and finally red!" she wailed. "Severus told me that before I came to work here there wasn't even an Ultimate Evil threat level!" Dumbledore glanced at Snape, raising his eyebrows.

"Sometimes your friends can be mistaken. We've had the threat level for over fifty years, and, except for about twenty years ago, it has always remained at threat level white. Severus, please stop telling things to Esme." She stuck her tongue out at him. "Next on our agenda: as many of you should already know, this year Hogwarts will be home to the Triwizard Tournament!"

"Curse it all! Figures I chose the worst year to become a professor!" Esme hissed to Sirius. The scar from her run in with Lucius still glittered on her face.

"Esmeralda, any comments you can share with Mr. Black, you can share with the rest of the professors. Now, what is it that you were saying?"

"Nothing sir," Esme muttered to the floor.

"As I thought. Now, let us go and meet our students!" He clapped his hands twice and the doors swung open. Sirius grinned at Esme as they headed into the Great Hall.

"Dumbledore has you totally under his thumb!"

"He has everyone under his thumb. Except you; the only thumb you're under is mine." She pressed her thumb to his forehead. Sirius ducked his head, laughing.

"I'm thinking it may be smart to avoid any sex jokes," he said, attempting to regain his composure.

"Joke away; you don't really need your left hand, and it would make a nice conversation piece up on the mantle."

"Wow, your insanity knows no bounds," he chivalrously pulled out a chair for her at the Head Table. She laughed at his gentlemanliness.

"Admit it sucker, you love me."

"Hahaha…yeah."

"You know, Sirius, you should take Esme out on a date," Flitwick, the king of relationship advice, interjected. Dumbledore was up at the podium, speaking. As usual, the professors were ignoring him. Sirius shook his head.

"We tried that once; it _didn't_ quite work out."

"Maybe if you took me to a _normal_ restaurant this time, instead of one of those Muggle ones."

"I just thought it'd be—OH DEAR GOD!" Sirius' cry echoed over the silent Great Hall as a man with a face that looked as if a blind, armless, educated craftsman had carved it, a frighteningly blue, spinning eyeball, and a heavy limp thumped into the Great Hall.

"Ah, yes," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Moody. He will be teaching alongside one of our other new professors, Professor Black." A few students let out shrieks at the name as Sirius offered a lazy wave. Dumbledore went on as if nothing had happened, "Professor Moody will teach the second, fourth, and sixth years; and Professor Black shall teach the first, third, fifth, and seventh years. This is an arrangement similar to our Potions classes. Many of you may remember Miss Slain, the assistant professor to Professor Snape? Well, this year Professor Slain will teach the second, fourth, and sixth years, and Professor Snape will teach the other four years." Cheers erupted from several groups of students, mostly second, fourth, and sixth year Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs.

"Ha, children like me," Esme said, grinning at Snape. "This goes along with my 'children are dumber than brick walls' theory."

"She used to be so sweet," Snape said coolly, "Oh wait, no she didn't."

"Severus, your funny-for-the-wrong-reasons wit is one of the few things that keep me at this job."

"So if I stop talking, you'll quit?"

"No, you see, I'm trying to save up for a house, and until I can earn enough money here or receive Marcus Slain's fortune, which will be never, as supposedly I'm left out of both his _and _my grandmother's wills, I have to keep working." She glanced over at Sirius. His brow was furrowed, and he was looking at Moody in a way she'd only seen when Snape burst into the Shrieking Shack the term before. "Love, stop looking so worried! Eventually I'll be able to move out of the Burrow!"

"It's not that," he said darkly. "Alastor Moody is out to kill dark wizards. I've been accused of being a dark wizard." Esme stared at him rather vacantly. "Don't you see? Moody's going to try and kill me!"

"You're paranoid, Black. I'm not going to try and kill you." Moody stood behind them, and Sirius jumped about four feet in the air, landing under the table.

"You're boyfriend's a bit of a spaz," he said, winking at Esme with his normal eye.

"Yeah. So, how'd you lose that eye?" She pointed at the thing spinning around in its socket.

"Aye, I poked it with a spork. Nasty little devils, they are."

--

"So, Mad-Eye Moody says I need to stop dating spastic guys who hide under the table when he's near," Esme and Snape were heading to lunch after their first morning of teaching, with many new learnings bouncing about their skulls. Esme had learned that she has to command respect and hold herself above her students. Snape learned that when he butted in Esme was more likely to use fists and Duct tape rather than a silencing charm.

"Awe, you really love him, don't you," Snape laughed. McGonagall and Sirius, who both just happened to be walking past at the time, found the need to add their comments.

"_Stop drugging him!_" McGonagall hissed through clenched teeth.

"Oh Minerva, she's not drugging me! I'm drugging myself," he laughed again, although this one sounded less joyful and more insane. After looking at the quizzical looks on his three companions' faces, he elaborated, "After being slapped a few times and nearly having my lips ripped off with Duct tape, I needed to take a few painkillers."

"You know, I doubt the Duct tape would have hurt if you'd just_ kept it on_." Sirius growled.

"Oh Sirius, don't be jealous; I'm sure Esme would give you just as much attention if you weren't such an obnoxious prick," he laughed a third time.

--

**A/N: **Questions? Comments? Constructive criticism? PLEASE!


	4. Chapter 4: Halloween

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its affiliates

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Come _on_!" Esme yelled urgently, tugging on Sirius' wrist. "She may have left already! God knows that everyone else is already down there, waiting for Beauxbatons and Drumstrang, it's only a matter of time before she goes too!"

"I'm sorry, but _why_ are we risking our jobs to get our fortunes read by a crazy woman?" He cried, following her up a rickety ladder.

"Tradition!"  
"But Remus said you did it on Halloween!"

"I have things I want to do tomorrow," she said, smiling down at him. "Now, hurry up before I close the trapdoor."

"We have things we _have_ to do today!"

"Come Sirius, up the ladder!" Sirius grumbled to himself as he and Esme scrabbled to the Divination room.

"You know, you're really taking advantage of this whole 'I love you' shit," he muttered, dejected.

"Yeah, I do that. Now; time for some Palmistry!" They entered the stuffy room, where Trelawney seemed to be preparing to leave.

"Hello, Sybil! I assume you saw me coming?" Esme winked at her companion.

"Ah, yes. I am preparing to leave, but no worries, your reading shall be short."

"What about Sirius's reading?"

"Oh, ah, that too, will be short." Esme stuck out her palm.

"Read me, woman!"

"Oh, um, great happiness is coming your way, but, ah, you won't live past the age of twenty-five! Because, oh! Your life line is quite short." She pressed her finger to the middle of Esme's palm, not hitting any of her lines.

"What? Come on, I could come up with better readings than that!"

"No, Esmeralda, I'm afraid you couldn't. You're not a seer. You lack the inner eye."

"Please, inner eye my incarcerated grandfather! Short life line…" she glanced at her hand, "Well, it is rather short, but that's beside the point! Sirius was right, you are a fraud!"

"Well, we will see who is laughing when you and your _one true love_ lay side-by-side six feet in the earth!" Then she left in a huff. Esme turned to Sirius helplessly, just as he burst out laughing and pointing at her.

"Oh come on!" she cried, throwing her hands up into the air. "Why is it that everyone I know goes crazy? Or fakes their way into some government job because of minor talent and bloodlines?" she eyed Sirius, who looked as though he may well die laughing.

"Oh Esme," he wiped his eyes, "it's because God hates you."

--

Sirius and Snape watched in a sort of stunned disgust as Esme walked up to yet another group of Beauxbatons students, introduced herself, and nearly wet herself laughing as they ran away screaming. This had gone off for nearly half the day. Supposedly, she wasn't going to stop until the entire population of the French academy ran from any room she entered.

"Oh God, that never gets old!" Esme bounced back to her friends, looking like Christmas had come early.

"Terrorizing French teenagers?" Sirius said disbelievingly. "_That's_ what you made us miss the arrivals and almost lose our jobs for?"

"Yes."

"You are evil, love. You are pure, pure evil."

"And the weirdest thing is that you seem to get off on either being or being around evil. Remember when we went to Hogsmeade and you had all those innocent bystanders take photos of you with your old 'Wanted' posters, and then we came back her and snogged in one of the broom closets for four hours?"

"I'm going to pretend you never started talking," Snape said.

"So, what are you going to do after you've terrorized the French?" Sirius cocked his head to one side as he took Esme's hand.

"Probably go around terrorizing the Bulgarians. Are they afraid of giant rodents?"

"Not that I know of…"

"Hmm, well I guess my only choices are to either let a capybara loose in the school, or enlist my good friend Sev as my assistant."

"I think you should let loose a capybara." Snape said quickly. "In fact, if it will keep me from working with you, I will even go across the ocean and find one of those Panamanian devils for you."

"Awe, that's sweet, but I don't want to take over your shifts," Esme laughed. Dumbledore rushed past the three, pausing only to utter a single urgent word.

"Dinnertime."

"Ohhh, there's angst in the air. I feel it in my prison-worn bones," Sirius said seriously.

"By the way, where is my favorite little half-brother?"

--

"The champion from Drumstrang: Viktor Krum!" As Dumbledore read out the champions' names, Esme sat, bored, twisting her hair.

"God, I'm so bored. Did I tell you my mum sent me a letter berating me for not keeping better track of Fred and George? She completely blamed me for their new grey beards! Me!" Esme screeched, making several foreign students turn towards her (the Hogwarts ones, of course, were already used to her behavior). Snape rolled his eyes and yawned sleepily.

"I honestly couldn't care less about the tomfoolery of your younger siblings, as I am no longer their professor."

"Really Esme," Sirius said, touching her arm, "You've got to lighten up about what your mother says. I mean, she blames me for all of those gnome ghosts that plague your yard."

"You _were _the one leaning a bit too hard on that flimsy wall."

"The champion from Beauxbatons: Fleur Delacour!"

"Leaning? You had me shoved up and pressed against it!" Awkward silence.

"Well, if no one else is going to change the subject; I will," Snape said with a grim sort of smirk. "So, Black, I hear that you're being a prat and tormenting first years with stories of Azkaban."

"First, third, fifth, and seventh years." Esme and Snape stared at him, eyebrows raised, "Hey! They ask and they shall receive!"

"Oh, yeah, Moody told me something about that," Esme said, laughing. "He finds it entertaining that those kids will go through Hogwarts with dreams of dementors dancing through their heads."

"When were you talking to Moody?" Sirius said quickly, his eyes darting over to the stoic figure a few seats down.

"Oh, we're good friends now. He likes my crazy-sadistic-bitch tendencies."

"Hmm, he and I have the same taste in women."

"You choose the weirdest friends, Slain," Snape commented. "Last year: the werewolf. This year: the crazy, paranoid old man."

"Lupin was a werewolf?" Awkward silence.

"The champion from Hogwarts: Cedric Diggory!"

"How come no one told me?!"

"Well, Hermione did bring it up on the night I was freed."

"Please love, you know barely remember that night."

"Speaking of, neither do I!" Snape said bitterly. "Although that may be because I spent the majority of the night bound and gagged." He looked pointedly at Esme, who shrugged.

"You know, all I remember about that night is snogging Esme."

"Ah yes, the infamous 'snog while the mass-murderer runs away' part of the night. That's one of my favorite memories," he muttered.

"It would be." The flames in the goblet turned blue as Esme uttered these words. Dumbledore pulled out a fourth piece of paper.

"Harry Potter!"

Sirius' face drained of all color, "Oh shit."

"Figures," Esme muttered as she let her head bang onto the table in front of her.

--

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews for chapter three. Please, give me any comments, questions, or suggestions you may have!


	5. Chapter 5: Vigilance

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Harry James Potter!" Esme bellowed as she, Sirius, and Snape strode into the portrait-lined room. Like the rest of the professors, she'd been dragged back to deal with the issue of the fourth Champion (even though Dumbledore had seemed rather begrudging when he asked her to come back). She walked up to Harry and dragged him close to her by the lobe of his ear, "Your parents died for you Harry. _Died! _And this is how you repay them, is it?" She twisted the lobe, making him fall to his knees. "Playing about with spells to get your name in a goblet? Were you hoping for glory?" When he was silent she snapped, "Well you shall get none of it! Harry Potter you're—you're grounded!" She let go of his ear.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"That's right! No dessert, no games, no visiting your friends; after classes you must go straight to your dorm and only come down for dinner. You're no longer allowed to use Hedwig and you are banned, I repeat _banned, _from all holiday festivities. Do I make myself clear?"

"Um." She grabbed his earlobe again.

"And another thing—hey!" Sirius picked Esme up, her grip on Harry's earlobe slipping away, and placed her on the other side of himself, next to Snape. While the grown-up professors debated Harry's future, Snape, Esme, and Sirius gossiped quietly on the side (Esme's rant had basically made them all lose their credibility).

"Honestly, a fourth year? They'll never allow it. They wouldn't even let me be a flyer for the dance team when I was a fourth year," Snape murmured rather shrilly.

"Wow, Severus, you were on the dance team? So was I! I never knew you were so deep!" Esme squealed, her voice still not rising above a whisper.

"Damn it, now she knows another thing about me." Esme laughed.

"I was allowed to be a flyer."

"They changed rules for you. That's why you weren't expelled and have yet to be fired," Snape said through his teeth.

"You know, you two amaze me," Sirius chuckled a little, covering his mouth with his hand.

"We_ are_ an amazing duo" Esme said proudly, swinging her arm around Snape's waist. Snape went tense as Sirius' eyes narrowed just a little. "Everybody loves me and thinks that everything I do is wonderful and pure, and Sevvie's able to go two whole weeks without showering before he starts to smell."

"Yes, um, _no_, that's not why you amaze me," Sirius laughed again, still not taking his eyes off of the arm around Snape's midsection. "You physically assault one another at least every week and you've each got about five vendettas against each other for various reasons, yet you can stand to be in the same room with each other and hold up friendly conversation. How do you do it?"

"We know that if it ever gets to the point where one of us ends up in the hospital, the other has to start teaching every class," Snape shrugged a bit, also looking down at Esme's arm.

"And if we actually stop hurting each other, Dumbledore may stop being distracted by our multiple injuries and constant fighting and my notice what a shoddy teaching job we're doing," Esme said.

"Interesting. Now," he began, "is it true that you and Snape had a student-teacher fling? I have heard rumors."

"You know, Black, I am standing right here."

"So is it?"

"Well—" Esme started.

"So it is agreed that both Cedric and Harry shall compete in the tournament."

"Ha! My student isn't even legally allowed to compete and he got chosen over yours! How does it feel, Severus? How _does_ it feel?" She finally dropped her arm.

--

"To quote the Hogwarts Rule Book, chapter seven, page 638, line 12: Any student found wearing any pin, badge, button, clasp, brooch, or hair accessory that is not part of the dictated uniform, shall be sent out into the forest at ten on a Friday evening, not to return until daybreak on the following Monday," Esme read from an ancient, leather-bound, multicolored book, casting her steely glare upon Draco Malfoy. Or more accurately, the "Potter Stinks" button flashing on his chest.

"But that rulebook was written a thousand years ago, Professor!" he protested. "I think there are laws against sending students out on their own in a forest that's been _forbidden_ for hundreds of years!"

"Nevertheless," Esme said absently, "I feel that extreme punishment shall be given, as this is not only against the dress code, but offensive to other students." She examined the badge, "'Potter Stinks'? Well, I've never been close enough to actually _smell_ him; therefore I will merely assume that this is false. Breaking dress code, wearing items that are offensive to one or a group of students, slandering a fellow student;" she shook her head. "My, my Draco, that's three broken rules! What _am_ I to do with you?" She went over to her desk, and began tapping the rulebook with her wand. It transformed from a book into a ferret and back again repetitively. "I suppose my little Bookie could use a new friend," then something seemed to dawn on her.

"Alas!" She cried dramatically, fall backwards onto the desk and throwing her arm over her forehead. A few of the students jumped at her outbreak. "I have just remembered, so unfortunately, that I am no longer allowed to punish students! This too, is your fault, Draco."

"When my father—"

"Ah yes," Esme said softly, tracing the scar on her cheek, "I've been meaning to have a chat with your father," she smirked. "So, who is to handle punishing the unruly child? I suppose I _should_ ask Severus, but he's just too kind." A few students snickered. "I feel that Professor Moody would be _wonderful_ at teaching you a lesson in having respect for the rules and your fellow students. I shall send for him after class."

After smiling to herself for a few seconds, Esme addressed the whole class, "Now, I'm going lightly on poor Draco because he's the first to be caught with one of these buttons. Let it be known that if I find anyone else with a 'Potter Stinks' button, no matter their house, I will cut off their hands and feed them to my dog." Lavender Brown raised a tentative hand. "Yes, Lavender?"

"Um, I thought your dog was your boyfriend, ma'am." Esme nodded wisely.

"Yes, Lavender, all men are dogs. Fifty points to Gryffindor for Lavender's grand show of knowledge. And twenty points from Slytherin for Draco's_ flaunt_ of lacking such."

--

"Congratulations! You've made it through another day of not getting fired!" Snape cheered.

"Ha-ha-ha funny," Esme deadpanned. And you seem chipper; are you back on drugs?"

"No, I'm just high on life and Potter Stinks badges. A good vibe of animosity always puts me in a good mood."

"Wow, so many things make sense now." They walked in silence for a bit, until Esme asked the question that had been on her mind for quite a while, "So are we friends now, or what?" Snape shook his head.

"I don't think we can be friends, Slain, there's too much bad blood between us."

"Please Sev, there's bad blood between me and the entire wizarding nation of France," at that, a small group of Beauxbatons students walked past, noticed Esme, let out high squeaks, and sprinted in the other direction. Snape raised an eyebrow. "Um, anyway, I was talking to Moody yesterday and he told me something very wise that I should always remember when I'm around people whom I have a rocky past with."

"And that is?" They approached one of Hogwarts' many notorious moving staircases.

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" She took a quick step back and pushed Snape out, causing him to trip and fall down the long stone staircase.

"We're so not friends, Slain!" he called as he tumbled down the stairs, "So not friends!"

--

**A/N: **Good? No good? Comments, questions, and constructive criticism are totally welcome!


	6. Chapter 6: The Jewelry Store

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Ha! My kid kicks more ass than any of yours combined! He can fight dragons and your kids can't even do their Potions homework correctly. So what if he still cries for his parents…" Esme trailed off, pantomiming Harry's defeat of the Hungarian Horntail. She and Sirius were strutting away from the first task's arena, with Snape shuffling behind them, muttering to himself.

"Yes Slain, we have already decided that your students are better than mine. And that, compared to you, my life is dark and empty. Can we just get to the party so I can drink away the shame?" Yes, the first task had finished, Harry had won, and Rita Skeeter was still filling the pages with gossip. On slow Triwizard news days the pages of _Witch Weekly _would be covered in photos of Esme and Sirius' "scandalicious" relationship. Now every Hogwarts teacher had been called into Dumbledore's office for a party and some announcements.

"Do you think we're getting pay raises?" Esme inquired, reaching for her scandalicious boyfriend's hand.

"I doubt it; I think our room, board, and damages already exceed our paychecks," he said with a smile.

"The only people with damage expenses are Sev and me."

"Maybe we're just getting fired and everyone else is getting raises," Snape cut in, stepping up to Esme's other side. Sirius' eyes flashed. Esme giggled.

"You always were just so positive, Snape."

"The Latin name for my family is 'Depresicus Maxus.'"

"Surprising," Sirius muttered.

"Isn't it just?" Esme snickered. The _new_ trio of darkness followed the rest of the professors into the office.

"Gosh, this place gets nicer every time I visit!" Esme said appreciatively, taking in the gilt coverings and beautiful hangings.

"When was the last time you were here?" Sirius said curiously.

"Um…"

--

_The last time she was there…_

"Now Esme, really, what made you push Severus down a flight of stairs?" Dumbledore questioned. As he looked at her, his eyebrows creased with worry.

"He was standing _right there_, Headmaster, how could I not?" Esme protested.

"See? What did I tell you? She's crazy and evil!" Snape exclaimed leaping up from his chair.

"Now Severus, what do you think you could do to stop Esme from pushing you down stairs?"

"What?!"

"I recommend just falling before she gets near you, but that's just me," he smiled. "You may go."

--

"How is it that you always get what you want?" Snape asked somewhat bitterly.

"Well, the law says that you can never get what you want, and because I typically want exactly the opposite of what you want…" She trailed off and winked.

"Attention professors!" Dumbledore's calm voice came out loud and clear, obviously magically enhanced. "Now, as many of you already know, Hogwarts will be home to the Yule Ball this Christmas."

"I didn't know that!" Esme hissed to Sirius, "Did you?"

"No! Snape, why weren't we told?"

"You would have been," his voice was cold and flat, "_if_ you hadn't skipped every meeting since the beginning of the year so you could go snog." He turned his attention back to Dumbledore.

"Because many of our students have never been taught to waltz and ballroom dancing is no longer a mandatory class…"

"I miss those days," Esme sighed dreamily.

"I decree that a single-day dance class be forced upon students! Every student shall be required to attend a ballroom dancing class hosted by their Head of House and one other professor. Pomona, you'll work with Alastor; Filius, you'll be working with Sybil; Minerva, you're working with Sirius," Sirius shuddered violently. "And Severus, I think you and Esme would be a wonderful pair."

"Well, it's not like you couldn't see that coming," Snape shrugged as Sirius collapsed laughing, trying to analyze Snape's reaction at the same time. Esme raised an eyebrow at him, her expression cold. He immediately regained his composure.

"So, Miss Esme, would you like to go to the ball with me?" He invited cordially, right there in the office.

"Perhaps, Mr. Black," she flirted. "But only if you would be so kind as to assist me with my Christmas shopping."

"Damn it! I always get suckered into helping you shop!"

--

"So you place your right hand on your partner's waist…" Snape laid a timid hand on Esme's hip, and she immediately forced it up to the small of her back, her long nails cutting into Snape's arm. "Ow…"

"I didn't know dancing was so_ violent._" Pansy Parkinson whispered to Draco, her designated partner. In the past ninety minutes, Esme had kicked Snape in the shin and stepped on his toes at least a dozen times. Snape, in return, had _accidentally_ tripped Esme every time he attempted to spin or dip her.

"Professor Snape, sir?" Draco inquired, like the brownnoser he is. "Are we actually going to dance today?"

"Draco, if it's taking Sev and me two hours to get this one dance right, you're safer on your own." Esme snapped.

"But shouldn't—"

"Look Draco," Snape growled, obviously not liking his "teaching" methods commented on, "if you don't like the way I teach, why don't you just get up there and dance with Slain?"

"I'd _really _rather not," he looked rather ill, remembering the malicious look in Esme's eyes as she contemplated punishments.

"That's probably a good thing," Esme said cheerfully, stomping on Snape's foot once again. "I mean, look at what I've done to Severus, and he and I are borderline friends!"

"No. No we are not."

--

"So, what are you getting everyone?" Sirius grinned as he and Esme walked through Hogsmeade, wrapped close together as to keep out of the cold. She smiled up at him; her dark hair whipping around her face.

"Well, Tonks is getting her usual allotment of thongs…"

"Tonks?" Sirius' eyes widened, "As in my goddaughter Tonks?"

"Yes, one thong for every guy she—"

"Oh God, I don't want to hear this!" He shuddered and muttered under his breath, "I held her as a baby."

"Yeah, see, that's the problem with dating girls fourteen years younger than you who are friends with your relatives." Sirius smiled and wrapped Esme closer.

"Yes, but, I think I can deal," he laughed, kissing her on the nose.

"Oh my God," she giggled. "You're talking like a real person now!"

"As opposed to…?"

"Someone from the seventies."

"Ah yes, how was it you described said era? Hell on earth?"

"Oh, you do listen! Now, I'm not sure what to get for Harry. Perhaps a self-help book: _What to do when it turns out Your Potions Professor is really your Half-Sibling."_

"Such a popular title," he said, rolling his eyes. "I've seen it in every bookstore since I left Azkaban."

"James did have a lot of flings, so I've heard," she said wisely, nodding her head.

"Ha, too true. What are you getting for your brothers?"

"I'm thinking a bar of Honeydukes chocolate and a knit scarf, depicting some event that I think will happen in their later life."

"Ehhh…" He looked nervous. Esme's eyes narrowed as she scrutinized his face.

"What?" she asked sharply.

"Do you have to knit?"

"Knitting is my calling, Sirius!" She placed her hands on her hips and asked very sternly, "Are you insulting my calling?"

"Yes. So what are you getting Ginny?"

"Sexy jammies. She's at the age wear the only persons who's going to see it is her, and that's really all that matters."

"Ohh, you do have a sweet side. Are you going to model them for me?"

"No, you're going to model them for me!" she laughed gleefully.

--

Several hours and nearly two dozen shops later, Esme and Sirius returned to Hogsmeade's main street, their arms weighted down with bags full of thongs, pajamas, self-help books, chocolate, yarn, chocolate yarn, a Make-Your-Own-Yak set, four pairs of shoes, a many other gifts.

"Anything else you need to get?" Sirius' eyebrows disappeared into his overgrown fringe and his grey eyes glittered with mirth. He gestured to the overstuffed bags at their feet and smiled sardonically.

"Very funny Mr. Black, but I got your gift last weekend." Suddenly his grey eyes widened and his face grew quite pale.

"So you don't need to, say, visit another store while I, hypothetically, go to the jeweler's?" He smiled nervously. Her eyes widened; suddenly understanding.

"No…but I'd be happy to stay here with the bags and pretend I went out shopping," she winked.

"Great, see you soon." Sirius sprinted away from Esme as she stood their laughing.

When Sirius reached the jewelry store on the other side of Hogsmeade, he looked around for a minute and almost fainted. It looked as though the entire shop was stuffed floor-to-ceiling with glittering accessories. It was definitely enough to make a grown man cry. Everything was so shiny. And _expensive_! He searched around for an assistant.

"Miss? Miss!" He called to a girl with bubblegum pink hair, who turned to him and broke out into a huge grin, recognition flowing into her eyes.

"Sirius! Oh my God it's been forever!" She ran over and hugged him.

"Well, nice to see you too, mysterious, random girl who's hugging me for no apparent reason." He looked at her and felt that it might be best to run away and find another jewelry store.

"You don't remember me?" She shrugged and giggled. "Oh, I guess Esme was right, you are sort of dumb!" Sirius stared into the heart-shaped face for a full minute until his face broke into an identical smile.

"Tonks! You look so…pink!" He ruffled the top of her pink hair.

"Isn't it great?"

"Um…" Sirius looked away, trying not to respond ("No, it makes you look like you mixed Pepto-Bismol with your shampoo").

"So I heard you were dating Esme Slain!" she changed the subject for him.

"I am!" he exclaimed. "Who told you?"

"Esme." She rolled her eyes a bit, thinking, _Good grace, he is dumb!_

"Ah. So what are you doing here?"

"I've been working here to make some extra money to help the family. It's been a bit tough, these past few years. So what are you looking for?"

"I was thinking of a pair of nice diamond earrings."

"I have just what you need!" Tonks bounced over to the counter and pulled out a pair of diamond studs. "And they're only fifty galleons!"

"They're pretty," he said lamely.

"They're a girl's best friend." She raised her eyebrows, grinning even wider. He looked at her blankly.

"…I don't get it."

"You don't need to! So, do you need anything else?" Her voice lowered, "Maybe a ring?"

"Well, don't tell Esme, okay?" He said in a whisper. She nodded quickly, "I've been thinking about, you know, asking her…"

"OHMYGAWD! Here, we have a great selection of engagement rings! I think this one would be perfect for Esme." She held up a soft, pure white box holding a gold ring, a petite diamond sitting on its top. It was small and sweet, just like Esme. Sirius sighed.

"Oh, what the hell, I'll take it."

--

**A/N: **Is this good, or is it just a bad idea? Review and advise! Yule Ball coming up in the next chapter!


	7. Chapter 7: Christmas

Disclaimer: The poor artist, she owns nothing

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"MERRYCHRISTMASSIRIUS!!" Esme screamed at the top of her lungs, taking a flying leap onto Sirius' bed. He sat up almost instantly.

"Aagh," he groaned. "What are you doing here? And why are you on my chest?" Esme _was _sitting on Sirius' chest, a Santa hat resting atop her head, and her cotton-clad legs folded beneath her. It was seven a. m.

"The house elves are so busy getting ready for the ball; they forgot to light the fires in various professors' rooms!" she giggled, gesturing towards the cold fireplace.

"I assume that includes us?" His eyes were still a little hazy, and he wasn't sure if she was pointing at a fireplace, or a dark void reaching into the depths of space.

"You assume correctly. Now get your lazy arse up 'cause we only have a half an hour before they stop serving breakfast. After that we've got to help set up the Great Hall."

"Ah yes, preparing for guests I don't like and being yelled at by crazy women." He shook his head and gently pushed her off of his chest. "It just wouldn't be Christmas without either of them. By the way, how on earth did you get into my quarters? You don't know my password, or at least, you shouldn't." Esme raised her eyebrows and smirked.

"Please Sirius; you're talking to the woman who figured out how to break into the kitchens on her third day of school. I've known your password since the day you started teaching."

"Aww, you are Daddy's little girl!" he laughed. She glared at him.

"Never say that again."

"Okay."

"_Ever! _Now come on, let's go eat."

"All right, but shouldn't you put on something other than blue cotton jammies?"

She looked at him like he'd just suggested she'd go downstairs nude. "If I don't get to walk around in front of people I barely know while wearing old, dirty pajamas, then it's just not Christmas!"

--

"Do I look okay?" Hermione asked nervously, biting her lower lip. She ran her hand over he scalp, smoothing her shiny brown hair.

"Yes Hermione, you look fine," Esme laughed. "What on earth are you so worried about?"

"It's just, I'm going with Viktor Krum, and people are going to expect me to look you know," she fidgeted with the golden earring in her right ear. "…not like me."

"Oh don't say that dear, you look lovely!" Esme carefully touched her own sleek bun and stumbled trying to fasten a gold chain around her neck. "Anyway, it doesn't matter what everyone thinks, as long as you think you look beautiful." She smiled at Hermione in a sisterly fashion. Hermione, in turn, arched an eyebrow.

"Then why is your hair sleek, your skin creamy, and you're three inches taller?"

"So when did Krum ask you to the dance?" Esme responded quickly. Hermione laughed.

"You're so lucky, Professor Slain."

"Because I feel no remorse for my actions? You can develop that skill over time dear, it's not that hard."

"No! You've had Professor Black in the palm of your hand ever since you met him! You've never had to worry about getting a date to a dance, or having a special someone for Valentine's Day!"

"Well, if it's any comfort, you've always got Ron to fall back on."

"Ron doesn't—" Esme cut her off, looking at her rather seriously.

"He'd do anything for you, Hermione," she said firmly. "And don't you try to say he wouldn't! I'm his sister and I know everything about him. Now, help me fasten this bloody necklace!" She carefully handed the thin chain to Hermione, who then noticed that dangling at the end of the chain was a tiny diamond heart. Her eyes widened.

"Wow, this is gorgeous! Did Sirius, I mean Professor Black, give this to you?"

"No, he gave me these," she twisted the diamond stud in her ear, "Traditionally; a witch is given a piece of jewelry, handed down from mother to daughter every generation, when she turns of age. This was my mum's."

"Mrs. Weasley?"

"No, my real mum," she said shortly.

"Is that why you don't wear it too often? Emotional troubles?"

"No, I rarely wear it because it's quire valuable. Now, let's get your makeup done before we've got to be in the Great Hall in…four minutes." As if on cue, a knock came at the door. "Come in!" Sirius stepped in.

"We've got to go _now,_ love. Hermione, Krum's waiting for you by the entrance. He then turned to Esme, and a slow smile curled over his lips. "My, my, don't you look dashing."

"Oh I could say the same about you, darling. Let's go!" The three rushed down to the hall, Hermione entering while Sirius and Esme fell into line with the professors. "Why Severus, don't you look lovely!"

"Slain I'm really not in the—well!" He glanced over her slim frame and nodded approvingly. This seemed to trigger a silent kill response in Sirius. Snape noticed, and his smirk grew even wider. "Don't worry Black; I wouldn't say anything too vulgar to a lady."

"Now Severus, you know the damage I can do in stilettos," Esme mock-threatened.

"Actually, no, I don't."

"Oh right, yeah that's Sirius who knows, not you." The music struck up instantly, causing several professors to jump. Then the doors opened and Dumbledore led the procession into the Great Hall.

Students gasped, for they had never seen their professors dressed so ornately. McGonagall and Dumbledore entered first, she adorned in robes of deep tartan, and he in robes of a deep midnight blue. They were followed by Professor Flitwick, his robes were deep purple, and Professor Sinistra in pale lilac robes. Along the line of professors, Sprout, in pale green, and Moody, in black, walked in hand in hand (they'd really hit it off at their dance lesson). Right in front of Esme and Sirius walked Trelawney and Snape (Dumbledore had not been kidding about pairing those who couldn't get dates together) she wore what looked like formal shawls and he wore his typical black. Neither of them looked particularly happy.

Bringing up the rear of the parade were the two newest professors. Sirius looked particularly handsome in black trousers, a gold silk button-down, and a dark, black coat with tails. His long hair was tied back with a matching gold ribbon. His face no longer looked gaunt and lifeless, but rather handsome. His upper-class upbringing seemed to shine in him more than ever. He paled in comparison to Esme.

Her skin was soft and white, her lips ruby red, her cheeks a delicate pink, and her azure eyes sparkled. The mass of typically unruly black hair had been trained back into a silky bun and her new earrings sparkled on her ears. She had opted for a gown instead of robes, and said gown barely touched her shoulders and fell over her tiny curves until it touched the floor just next to her toes. It was pure silver, made of hair spun from the tails of unicorns. She walked in, a silence following her, and sat down between Sirius and Snape,

"Did you get my gift, Severus?" she asked conversationally, breaking the silence.

"Yes, I didn't know you could make edible sweaters."

"Most people can't." They ate quietly until Snape said the only thing he could think of.

"So is today your one day out of the year where you use magic to look like those eerily perfect girls?"

"I get one pretty day a year. It's in my contract," she nodded back at him. Sirius smiled and placed his hand over hers.

"I think every day is your pretty day." Esme grinned and blushed, while Snape didn't even try to hide his cruel laughter.

"Black you're such a…prat!" Esme, obviously pissed that someone had insulted her man, and in such a childish way, grabbed Snape by his collar with one hand, and smacked him in the back of the head with the other.

"You forget, Severus, that my pretty day is also my violent day."

"That's why every day's a pretty day!" Sirius sang.

About ten minutes later, waltz music struck up, and the champions began dancing. Esme took a small camera out of her bag and began snapping pictures.

"What are you doing?" her beloved boyfriend inquired.

"Getting blackmail." Sirius shook his head.

"That camera shouldn't even work in here. How did you get it to work?"

"Magic."

"I hate how that's a legitimate answer. Dance with me?"

"Sure!" She slipped her hand into his and they walked over to the dance floor and began to waltz.

"You're a much better dancer than Severus." He grinned like Cheshire Cat and pulled her in closer.

"I'm better at other things, too."

"Aww, you _are_ a total prat!"

"Hey!"

"But you're my total prat!"

Minutes turned into hours, and soon enough, everyone was switching partners.

Esme looked around, suddenly realizing that she and Snape were the only two professors not dancing. The Weird Sisters had struck up some sort of techno-meets-Chubby Checker song, and everyone seemed to be reliving their golden age. Dumbledore and Madame Maxime were turning all over the floor, with one spectacular movement where Maxime threw Dumbledore over her shoulder. Sirius and McGonagall were doing a variation on the Twist, and Trelawney was doing _something_ (no one could really tell what) with Flitwick.

"Severus, we're the only ones not dancing. Come dance with me." His great nose wrinkled up at the thought.

"Absolutely not."

"It wasn't a question." Grabbing him by his slender bicep, Esme dragged Snape out on to the floor.

"There's no bloody way I'm dancing with you."

"Why not?"

"Because at waltzing lessons you kicked me in a way that may forever disable me to reproduce!"

"And, in doing so, I have done a huge favor to the world." He stared at her in disbelief, shaking his head silently.

"How are you, of all people, the most likable professor at this school?"

"I'm pretty. And also, I'm not the most likable professor, Sirius is. People just don't notice it because they're so afraid of him." She looked over Snape's shoulder at Sirius and McGonagall, twisting away, and sighed dreamily, "He's perfect. I love him so much." The song ended momentarily, and Esme went off to go dance with the man she loved, but first, she planted a gentle kiss on Snape's cheek. "Thanks for dancing with me, Sev. You may not know it, but you can be very sweet."

--

"Come on, let's go outside, away from the crowds," Sirius pulled Esme by her hand into the outer grounds.

"But it's cold!" she complained, regretting her shoulder-less dress.

"Please Esme; I've got something I really want to ask you." He nervously fingered the small silk box in his pocket. The couple sat down on a quiet stone bench. Esme wrapped her arms around herself, her gown obviously not offering her much warmth. Sirius, noticing how cold she was, wrapped his coat around her. She beamed at him, and then, her hormones taking over, wrapped him into a passionate kiss.

Their arms wrapped around each other, and the two began snogging for England. Her lips opened, inviting him in, and he replied with a small groan. Sirius lay down across the bench, pulling Esme on top of him, their mouths never separating. Losing himself in the moment, Sirius stroked Esme's back with one hand and pulled her hair out of its bun with the other. Esme had just begun fingering the buttons on his shirt when…

"Oh bloody hell! Right in front of the school?!" Snape cried, a little bit drunk and a greater bit pissed, as he and Karkaroff came back to the school. All of the cheer that seemed to have maybe been in him after Esme had kissed him had disappeared completely. Blushing, the Esme and Sirius sat up, straightening their clothes.

"Hello Severus," muttered Esme, staring straight forward.

"You can't do any better than_ him_?!" Snape yelled abhorrently, "You can't do any better than the man who used to torment others when he was bored?! The man who'd find any weakness and exploit it?!" Esme grinned at the man who had her lipstick all over his face.

"Sirius, I never thought I could possibly love you more, but Sevvie _just_ managed to prove my wrong."

"Aagh!" Snape practically screamed, then stomped back into the school, Karkaroff rushing off after him.

"So, what was it you wanted to ask me?"

Sirius shook his head, still smiling, "No. Not now; it's not the right time."

"What? Why not?"

"Well, it would change everything between us, and right now is so perfect I just don't want anything to change."

Esme smiled, realizing what he meant, "Oh, I understand," her eyes filled with tears of joy, and she shook her head, beaming. "I love you, Sirius Black."

"I love you too, Esme Slain." He wrapped his arm around her and they sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's go back inside."

"Are you cold?" He asked, concerned.

"Not cold," she said softly, looking him in the eyes, "just…ready."

"Oh," then suddenly he understood, "_Oh!_"

"Come on, then," and she reached out, took his hand, and led the way back home to the dungeons.

--

**A/N: **Hold your flames…be patient…


	8. Chapter 8: The Gift

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"So, Mr. Black," Esme giggled flirtatiously, holding Sirius' hand as they walked out of her room on early morning Boxing Day, "where on _earth_ did you get all those tattoos?"

"Hmm, I could ask you the same thing, couldn't I?" He arched an eyebrow playfully, and she gently shoved him away.

"I suppose you could, but since Nymphadora Tonks did all mine, I doubt out answers would be the same."

"Perhaps that's a good thing; I think a father giving his little girl tattoos isn't the best idea."

"Ew," she made a disturbed face, "you let James touch you with needles?"

"Perhaps it was not my brightest moment." As the couple was giggling and flirting outside the dungeons, a very angry Snape stepped out. His teeth were clenched so tight one might think they'd crack, and purple shadows were forming under his deep, black eyes.

"I can hear through those walls," he hissed through his grit teeth. "I can hear _everything _through those walls." His fists were clenched nearly as rigidly as his teeth.

"Unfortunately, Mad-Eye and I live under the same situation, and he can_ see _through walls. This was quite honestly the better choice," Sirius quipped without skipping a beat, while Esme blushed scarlet.

"Be that as it may—" Esme cut him off, her blue eyes wide and innocent.

"Severus, I never promised that living with me would be easy."

"I didn't think living with you would involve…" he trailed off, a faint blush tingeing his pallid cheeks.

"You should never start a sentence with 'I didn't think'," Esme said coolly. Snape sighed, obviously beaten.

"Whatever." His glare curled into a poisonous smirk, "Was it—?"

"Finish that sentence, Sevvie," growled Esme, "and I will make sure you appear drunk in front of every student, every teacher, and every guest in this entire school, within the week's time."

"Ah, aren't friends great?" He muttered, looking towards Sirius, but speaking more to himself.

"We're friends?" Esme, jubilant for some reason, gleefully leapt onto Snape's back, "Wheee! Look Sirius; Sevvie's my friend!"

"How do I get her off me?"

"Quite frankly, Snivellus, when she does that to me I just stop trying."

"All my years of forced kindness and warmth have finally paid off!" she giggled.

"How is randomly insulting me, being bratty in my class, and basically treating me like I should be your subordinate 'friendly'?"

"It's wasn't all bad! I mean, I was good in dueling, wasn't I? Speaking of, we should start another dueling club. Why'd we stop?" She inquired cheerfully, strengthening her vice-like grip. Now Sirius' jaw went as tight as Snape's had been.

"You lit someone on fire!"

"I did not light 'someone' on fire. I lit_ Lockhart _on fire," she corrected.

"Oh, I knew there was a reason I liked you. Now get off me and get on Black. He looks like he's about to kill me with some fishing twine."

--

"So, Hagrid's a half-Giant?" Snape asked silkily, smoothing out his copy of the Daily Prophet.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised, just sort of upset that he didn't tell me," Esme said, shrugging. She, Snape, and Sirius had taken to getting together between classes. Sirius was actually trying to be civil around Snape; he was still working up the courage to propose to Esme, and murdering her new "friend" could work against him. Snape really had no reason to be nice to Sirius, so she'd sworn to herself that she'd solve the mystery behind his kindness.

"He didn't tell anyone, love," Sirius said, placing his hand over hers. "It wasn't anything personal."

"I know, but he was my first friend," she smiled. "That is, until I met Tonks and we started steeling food and breaking into restricted areas."

"How were you not caught?" Sirius cried. In his first year, he and James had done all they could to get into the kitchens, and every time there was some teacher staring down his or her nose at them.

"Yes, Slain, do tell how you and your friends managed to obliterate the rules with no harm done to yourselves."

"Oh, you know, we were clever children, unlike some." The warning sound, telling both students and teachers that it was nearly time for classes to start, rang out, overbearing Snape's "witty" retort.

"Well, I have to go torment a group of fourth years," Esme smiled her homicidal smile, the one that had caught Sirius' eye in the first place, and tented her fingers.

"And I have to go tell some seventh year Ravenclaws that when they grow up, they could end up like me," Sirius grinned, "Last week one of the boys started sobbing."

"I have to go drink," Snape muttered, skulking off. And alas, the trio of darkness separated to go do their various…things. Esme, of course, went to the dungeons.

"Hello, children!" She sang, greeting her bleak-eyed class. "Today we will be brewing the Elixir of Life. Can anyone tell me what that does?" She pointed at Hermione's hand, the first to hit the air.

"It's a healing potion that can bring a person suffering from a fatal illness back to full health."

"Fabulous! Five billion points to Gryffindor!" As she turned to write the ingredients on the board, Harry, Ron, and Hermione turned to whisper.

"She's a bit liberal about awarding points, isn't she?" Hermione was concerned that if her House won this year, Harry may become so full of himself that his head would explode.

"Well, yes, but our House Points have never been higher!" Ron, on the other hand, was extremely selfish and did not want to share the school's allotment of happiness with the other children.

"Not true," Harry, the wisest yet most angstful of the three, shook his head, "last week she caught me in the halls five minutes before class started and took six zillion points from Gryffindor. Then she made me wash the walls. They weren't even dirty!" Esme turned back to face the class, raising an eyebrow in the trio's direction.

"Now, I shall choose a student to infect with the late stages of Dragonpox."

"Dragonpox isn't fatal!" Draco Malfoy exclaimed, hoping that he too could earn a ridiculous amount of points.

"We have a volunteer!" Esme cried, clapping her hands. "How lovely. Now, the student with the best concoction will be given ten gazillion house points and will feed their potion to Draco. If it doesn't work, I hope Professor Snape is still sober enough to brew the elixir, because I have no idea how to do it myself." At that, Snape raised his flask to the class and took a swig.

Draco looked like he was about to cry.

--

"So, why are we going out for lunch, again?" Esme asked for the third time. Sirius, charming as he was, had practically kidnapped her and taken her to Hogsmeade.

"What, a man can't treat his girlfriend to a celebratory meal after she nearly murders one of her students?"

"Oh, that was almost a month ago," she said humbly.

"Well yes...But hey! It's Valentine's Day and we're actually lucky enough to have it fall on a Hogsmeade weekend!"

"Good enough. I've never even heard of this restaurant, though."

"The _Chateau du Wizard_? Typically it's out of a student's price range. But among the 'adults' like you and me, it's quite famous." They entered into an elegant little restaurant; it was well lit, warm, and full of smiling couples. McGonagall and Dumbledore shared a table in the middle of everything, waving at and stopping ex-students to talk.

"It's lovely, Sirius, but really, what's the occasion?"

"It's our first Valentine's Day together as a couple and we almost never go out on dates."

"Mmhmm, I'm sure." She cocked an eyebrow curiously. They were seated and were soon eating delicious French food a chatting lightly, until Sirius leaned in, his eyes suddenly serious.

"Esme, do you believe in love at first sight?" He asked softly, taking her hands.

"Well, I'd say yes, except the first time we met I nearly broke your nose and your ribcage!"

"Ah yes, and I still have the bruises to remember it."

"I know," she said flirtatiously.

"Well, aside from that, I really do love you. A lot. The love I feel for you is a hundred times stronger than any emotion that I've ever felt for anyone else."

"Oh, Sirius…" she blushed.

"Esme, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." The air left Esme's lungs in a tiny gasp as Sirius knelt down on one knee. The entire restaurant was silent as he spoke to her, "Esmeralda Genevieve Slain, will you marry me?" The silence hung in the air for only a few seconds, though to Sirius it felt like a thousand lifetimes. Then the entire bistro burst into applause as Esme leapt into his arms and cried out:

"Yes! Yes Sirius Orion Black, I will marry you!" Tears of joy came to both the eyes of them both as he whirled her around.

"Oh Esme you've made me the happiest man in the world!" He set her down well everyone else was still applauding, and gently placed the delicate diamond ring on her finger.

"Oh Sirius, it's beautiful." Barely a few minutes later, a waitress came over, smiling at them like everyone else.

"Headmaster Dumbledore would like to cover your meal, and he would also like to speak with you." Nervously, Sirius and Esme got up and walked over to the table in the middle of the room.

"You wanted to speak with us sir?" Esme asked, still staring at the ring decorating her left hand.

"Yes. Esmeralda, I feel that it would be proper if you and Sirius went down to visit Arthur and Molly to tell them the good news, rather than sending an owl. It's much more personal. And congratulations, of course."

"Thank you sir," Esme smiled, but it faded quickly. "But who will teach my class while we're gone?"

--

"Hello children. I am Snape, the _real _Potions professor."

--

**A/N: **Good? Bad? Please tell me!


	9. Chapter 9: Snape's Class

Disclaimer: Nothing

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Eeek! I know, I know, that last line was from PPP…

--

"We know who you are," Ron said, flatly and loudly. Snape pretended not to hear him.

"'_Professor_' Slain isn't here, so I will be taking over her classes for the day." Snape said, adding a creepy evil laugh at the end. The Slytherins' faces lit up. The Gryffindors squirmed in their seats.

"Where is she?" Lavender inquired worriedly.

"She felt it best that the students find out from her, instead of first hearing it from anyone else," he said silkily, fingering his goatee.

"Did you kill her?" Draco asked, a hint of hope glittering in his question.

"Not yet, Draco, not yet."

--

"Hello Mum!" Esme sang, prancing in the door. "You got my letter?"

"I did, and Remus and Tonks should be arriving soon. Your father and brothers are in the kitchen. Now, what is this surprise you have for us?" Molly welcomed Sirius and Esme into the Burrow with her typical open arms. "Oh, dear. Sirius, you are just too skinny. Aren't they feeding you?"

"Yes, ma'am," he nodded.

"So polite!" She squeezed his arm, causing him to flinch, "Now, why don't you two sit down in the kitchen with the boys." The two lovers entered the kitchen nervously, where Bill, Charlie, Percy, and Arthur were there to size Sirius up.

"So," Bill said, eyes narrowed, "you're the man my baby sister's dating."

"Bill, you met me last summer."

--

"So she's not dead?" Lavender, along with many other students, breathed a sigh of relief.

"No, Miss Brown, Professor Slain is alive and well. Now unless anyone has anymore questions—what is it, Mr. Thomas?" Dean waved his hand urgently.

"Is it true that if you dip a rose in liquid nitrogen and drop it, it'll shatter?"

"Well, I don't know. You could use a simple freezing spell and get the same affects…" Hermione's hand pumped into the air, nearly pulling her out of her seat. "What is it, Miss Granger?"

"Is it true that Professor Slain once tattooed 'Evil' all over your face when she was a fifth year?"

"Well…what's your point?" he snapped.

"What charm did she use?"

--

"Hello, hello!" Tonks cheered, sauntering into the Burrow. "Finally the two most important people in the world have arrived!"

"Darling we arrived hours ago!" Esme wrapped her dear and actual friend Tonks into a warm hug. Remus, who had arrived with Tonks, looked over at Sirius and gave his small, evanescent smile.

"I'm not hugging you, Remus." Sirius said, laughing. Esme stood up and clapped her hands:

"All right, let's get back to my announcement; it's much more interesting than whatever we were just talking about."

"You mean how bizarre and possibly dangerous it is that Harry's involved in the Triwizard Tournament right after Peter Pettigrew, You-Know-Who's old right-hand man, recently escaped from right under you nose?" Bill asked flatly.

"Yes. Sirius and I have an announcement," she squeezed her fiancée's hand, suddenly feeling quite nervous, "We're getting married!" Charlie's eyebrows shot up and Bill looked rather green. Arthur raised an eyebrow at Molly, who simply pursed her lips. Percy didn't respond, and Remus and Tonks looked generally shocked.

Everything was silent until Tonks, who was beginning to look rather confused, asked, "Why?"

--

"Now, if there are no more _questions_…" Snape's voice had become deadly and low. "_What_, Neville?"

"I-is there any reason why you don't like Professor Slain?" His voice trembled with fear. Now, it was not normal for a student like Neville to act out. It was even more not normal for a student like Hermione to act out. Suddenly, something came to Snape. He sighed.

"She put you up to this, didn't she?"

"Please don't be mad, sir," Hermione begged. "She paid us ten galleons each and some of us really needed the money to pay off the debts we owed from purchasing Christmas gifts!"

"Well," he suddenly smirked. "I suppose when Slain gets back from _announcing her engagement_, she'll have to deal with me."

--

"Esme," Molly said tensely, "May I see you in the living room?"

"Yes Mum," after squeezing Sirius' hand, Esme got up out of her chair and followed her mother out of the room. Tonks got up and went after them Sirius was left alone to face four, redheaded stares, plus Remus.

"_So_," Bill said, his tone icy. "You want to marry _my_ little sister."

"Well I thought that since she loved me enough to sleep with me, I may as well love her enough to marry her."

Arthur looked as though he may faint.

_Meanwhile, in the living room…_

"Darling are you sure? He's just so much older than you…"

"Yes, Mum! Sirius and I love each other and damn it—he is good in bed!"

"Too much information, dear."

"I know, but I just can't find any reason why you would disapprove of him!" Mrs. Weasley raised an eyebrow, accepting the challenge.

"He was in prison for twelve years."

"He was innocent!" Esme protested.

"He was your father's best friend."

"You mean the father who never knew I was born?"

"He used to be a complete rebel who used to torment other students for fun!"

"And I still am! Look Mum, Sirius is a good man, sort of. He's clever, polite, sweet, and he has a cruel streak that perfectly matches mine!" Molly suddenly looked very tired.

"Well," she sighed, "I suppose I could accept him as a son-in-law. I suppose it could always be worse; you could be marrying Severus Snape!"

--

"She's getting _married_?" Ron blurted out. Snape smiled silkily.

"You weren't aware? I'm surprised not even her little brother knew."

"Stop bullshitting us, Professor—" Harry started.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for cursing. And another fifty for the stunts you were just pulling." His smile widened.

"Whatever," Harry snapped, "Is she getting married, or is this some cruel joke on your part?"

"Well, Potter, I suppose you could just ask her when she and Professor Black return tomorrow afternoon." The whole class, even the Slytherins, gasped.

"She's marrying Sirius?!" Ron and Harry exclaimed together.

"That's _so_ romantic!" Lavender squealed.

"I know, we're so going to have to ask her about it when she comes back!" Parvati squealed back.

While the class erupted into gossipy turmoil, Snape leaned back against his desk, tenting his fingers; an evil smile playing on his face. _Score: Severus Snape: 3, Esme Slain: _he frowned, _4,612._

--

Molly and Arthur smiled at their children and then at Sirius. Arthur cleared his throat somewhat nervously, "We have decided that, under the circumstances, we feel it's best to give you out blessing."

"Wow, you seem really certain about this, Dad. Are you sure you don't need another _four hours_ to think about it?" Esme rolled her eyes at Tonks, who in return rolled her eyes at Remus. After realizing who she'd rolled her eyes at, she turned bright red, and giggled a little too much at Esme's joke.

"No smart mouth from you, young lady. Weddings are very expensive and as the parents of the bride we'll be paying, so you'd better be thankful." Arthur said, in an uncommonly stern-father-like tone.

"Actually, Sir," Sirius cut in, "I have a quite a bit of money saved up from when I was younger. Esme and I were talking earlier, and we decided that it would be better if I just paid for the wedding and we didn't have a honeymoon."

"Well, I suppose that's all right. You're sure?"

"Yes, Dad!" cried Esme. "And we've already got it set up with Dumbledore: we're going to be married on the grounds a few days after this Christmas, and he's going to cover most of the costs and Sirius will cover the rest."

"It's rather soon, isn't it?" Molly seemed nervous.

"Don't worry Mum. We know what we're doing."

"That's what they all say," Arthur laughed, "Well Molly, I suppose the only thing to do now is demand my side of the bet."

"_What?"_ Esme and Sirius exclaimed together.

"Well you see, we made a _small_ bet on how long you two would stay together…"

"_I told you not to mention it!" _Molly hissed.

"God, I really wish people would stop betting on us," Sirius sighed.

--

_At the Chateau du Wizard…_

"Well, Albus, I suppose Severus wins the bet now," McGonagall said merrily, eyeing the happy couple.

"What do you mean?" Esme said slowly, staring at her old professor. Dumbledore smiled cheerily at her.

"You see, Esmeralda," Dumbledore began. "Earlier in the year a few of us cast a little wager. I thought you two would stay together until your deaths, but never get married. Minerva figured that you wouldn't last past Christmas. Filius and Paloma both thought that one of you would die within a month's time. Now Severus, he thought that you'd get married, but he doubts your marriage will last too long. I suppose that he's the closest now!" Looking at their disgusted faces, his smile began to fade, "I really shouldn't have said anything."

--

Molly smiled lovingly at her daughter, "Were you glad to have some time away, dear?"

"Yeah, but, I'll be glad to see them all again. As strange as they are, they're my coworkers and friends, and I love them." She looked at Sirius. "Come on, love. We'd really better go."

--

Esme stared at Snape, her mouth wide open, "You did WHAT?!"

--


	10. Chapter 10: A New War

Disclaimer: They're not my characters…most of 'em at least

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"I will kill you! And I will not stop killing you until you are dead!" Esme screamed, gesturing violently at Snape. She and Sirius had arrived at Hogwarts that morning, and were met with demands to see the ring; goofy, doe-eyed smiles; and the ever popular line, "C'mon Professor, couldn't you do any better than _him_?" from several older students.

Snape flinched. "You seem angry. Is there anything I can do to reduce my killing to some mild pranking?" Esme shrugged and laughed.

"Nah, I'm not that mad. Sirius is more pissed than me; I'm just seeing it as the way you're getting revenge on me for what I'm going to do to you." She poked him on the nose.

"Wow, this is going to be one of those 'I really shouldn't go to sleep' weeks, isn't it?"

"Yep!"

--

"So, I hear you're pretty mad about me telling a good portion of the student body that you proposed to Slain." Snape said, sticking his hands into his pockets. He'd cornered Sirius just outside of the defensive arts offices.

"Did Esme tell you that?"

"Yes…"

"Well, I'm not, really. It's just a little annoying, what with all the kids asking 'How the hell did you get her?'"

"Oh yes," Snape smirked to himself. "I remember dealing with that." Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"I don't remember you dating anyone…attractive. And if you did, I don't remember making fun of you because of it."

"Not when we were in school Black; just last year!" His smirk widened. "You know, when I dated Esme!" Sirius went a little paler.

"Excuse me?" He raised an eyebrow.

"She didn't tell you?" He was positively grinning now. "We started dating around Christmas; we broke it off right before the end of term."

"I-I have to go," Sirius rushed out of the room, while Snape leaned back against the dungeon wall grinning, _Two can play at your silly little games, Esmeralda. _

--

Esme sat in her office, knitting something disgustingly pink while berating some fifth year Gryffindor who had "accidentally" pushed a Slytherin second year out a window. Actually, "berating" isn't quite the right word. It was more like praising. She'd just sent the girl off after awarding house points when Sirius busted in, completely out of breath. "You..." he wheezed, "Didn't…"

"Breathe love, and then tell me what's wrong." He sat down and took a few deep breaths. Then he exploded.

"You dated Snape?! How could you date Snape?! He's evil and manipulative! He's a liar and he has no sense of goodness! He—" then it hit him, "He lied to me, didn't he."

"Yes, yes he did, dear." Esme folded her hands and rested her forehead on her top knuckle. Sirius stared at her, curiously.

"Is everything okay? I'm sorry I yelled at you, I didn't mean to upset you." She raised her head, her eyes narrowed and sparkling with a glint of ferocity that Sirius had never seen before. In a barely audible whisper, she spoke:

"_It begins."_

--

Esme walked down the hallway; the only sound was the heels of her boots tapping against the floor. After a few minutes of walking, her heels were joined by a somewhat heaver step, coming in her direction. In a matter of seconds she was face-to-face with Severus Snape. She smiled. "I am _so _going to school you."

He smirked back. "We'll see."

--

"So, for no reason but pure spite, you and Snape have started a prank war, and in doing so, you and I are left to ransack his room for clues of any weakness while my godson takes on the second Triwizard challenge?" Sirius said incredulously. He and Esme were ripping through Snape's room while he was down watching the tournament.

"See, when you say it like that it just sounds stupid," Esme snapped, picking up a bottle of Wizard's Wear Super Silky Conditioner. Sirius stared at it.

"Isn't tearing through another professor's belongings illegal?" Esme shook her head.

"Only if we steal something. Anyway, you should be proud that you're marrying a strong woman who fights her own battles."

"Then why am I helping you?"

"It's the rules. Ooh look—a Playboy! That proves he's straight. I can exploit that."

"I really don't like where this is going. When did you turn evil?"

"I never said I was a good person. And this isn't _that_ evil."

"Right. I think…" she raised an eyebrow menacingly, "never mind."

"I haven't had a good prank war since I was fourteen! And that ended with six Slytherins saran wrapped to their beds."

"Pfft, that's the oldest trick in the book."

"Oh really? What did you and my father do?"

"Well, we once glued a first year to the Womping Willow."

Esme grinned, "Oh love that's horrible! And also a bizarre turn-on."

"You know what would really annoy Snape?" He winked suggestively. Esme's smile grew wider.

"Oh yes I think I do."

--

While Esme and Sirius were away doing their deeds in Snape's office, on his desk, McGonagall and Dumbledore were patiently watching the lake and having a light chat.

"Albus, do you really believe that two of the most brilliant yet mad minds in all of our world joining together through marriage is a good idea?"

"No, Minerva, I don't." Dumbledore said sarcastically, looking tired, "Eventually they're going to find a common enemy, bind together, and do all they can to completely annihilate it. It would be absolutely horrible."

"You don't think that enemy's going to be Severus, do you?" She looked at him, a little panicked. Dumbledore sighed.

"Only if he makes the wrong choices; Esme will own up to a challenge, but she doesn't get angry too easily. And Sirius…he won't do anything without asking her first. To get them to a point where either of them would fight, Severus would have to kill someone very close to them." Snape, who had been listening in on their conversation, turned around.

"_What?_"

"Don't eavesdrop Severus, it's quite rude."

--

Snape froze as he entered the room. Everything was pink. Eerily pink. Even the floor; when he stepped in it, it squished beneath his toes. He took a few seconds to realize that the carpet had been completely coated with hot pink silly string. He winced as he stepped through the sticky muck and looked around his redecorated office. The walls were a pink and white plaid. Neon flamingoes sat everywhere. It was, "Unnatural," he whispered to himself.

He sat down at his new, bright desk, but immediately pulled away, "I don't know how," he whispered, "I don't know when, but somehow this desk has been," he swallowed, "_contaminated."_ Through lowered eyelids he scanned his room focusing in on one tiny object: a single, long black hair. "And I will get my revenge."

--


	11. Chapter 11: The Third Task

Disclaimer: I am propertyless

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

The pranking escalated. Whether it was pushing someone in the lake one day, or lighting the other on fire, it began to become obvious. It actually only took about a week to become really obvious, when Dumbledore summoned Snape and Esme into his office.

"You called, Sir?" Snape raised his eyebrows at Dumbledore, who was buried in _Witch Weekly, _the cover story announcing "Harry Potter's Secret Heartache."

"Ah yes. Just catching up on a little reading, this paper's to come out tomorrow," he smiled at the pair. "And Esme, there is a rather entertaining article announcing your engagement."

"How nice. Is that mosquito lady the author?"

"Ah, but who else would it be? But I did not call you two to my office to discuss Esmeralda's wedding, I have called to discuss this 'pranking' business."

"He started it," Esme pointed an accusing finger in Snape's direction. He rolled his eyes.

"In what way?" Dumbledore inquired.

"He…told the students about my wedding," Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Well you know how they gossip! Even the press knows!"

"Well, then, I suppose what he did was unforgivable," he said lightly. In a more serious tone, Dumbledore turned to Snape and asked, "Severus, what do you think happened to create this animosity between you two?"

"She paid her students to be obnoxious, lit me on fire, and I think she and her fiancé did some unspeakable act of horror on my desk!" he exclaimed.

"I see. Esme, do you believe that you did such things?"

"Yes." She said, not blinking. Dumbledore stared for a few seconds.

"Well, um, okay then," he said finally. "Hug and be friends again."

"Touch me and I'll kill you, Slain."

--

"So everything's back to normal between you and Snivellus?" said Sirius, his step bouncing more than usual.

"Eh," Esme shrugged, "we're not allowed to light each other on fire or attempt to feed one another to gigantic beasts. I suppose we're back at square one: deep, unsheathed hostility. Speaking of, I got the most interesting letter from my mum today."

"Really? Was it about that idiotic article in the paper this morning?" He rolled his eyes to emphasize the point.

"The one about our wedding?"

"No, I found that one rather entertaining. I meant the one about Harry."

"Oh! Yes, yes it was about the Harry-article. She seems to believe that Hermione has the personality of a prostitute, and should immediately be removed from the school and sent to a home for girls who cannot keep their trousers on."

"Hermione? As in _Hermione Granger?_ Your mother said that about Hermione Granger?"

"Well…yes. She just used some more…_colorful _language."

"I see."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go interrupt some student-torturing and save my little brother from the clutches of evil Snape-man."

--

_"It's Veritaserum— a Truth Potion so Powerful—" _Snape was saying; clutching a bottle of clear potion.

"Hello Severus! Oh my, Harry, what are you doing here?"

"Getting lectured about not stealing things and getting threatened by a man who dislikes me because of my father." Esme placed her hands on her hips and looked rather stern.

"Well, Harry, stealing things is wrong, so don't do it. Also, stealing from Severus tends to lead to an imminent death, and something tells me that you're supposed to be alive until you finish the next challenge." At that, a large CRACK sounded and two elves apparated into the office. One had very large, green eyes, and the other seemed a little bit tipsy.

"Dobby has brought a message to you from Misters Fred and George Weasley. They wish to be in charge of Mister Black's bachelor party."

"Um, okay, Mister Black isn't here; he's in his office. Go find him there."

"Right away, Ma'am!" And the little elves disappeared. Esme stared at the spot where they'd just been standing.

"That was random." Harry nodded.

"And disturbing."

Snape lip had begun to curl in such a way that he looked like he may murder Esme the next time she opened her mouth. "Get. Out. Of. My. Office!" He roared that last word.

"Getting out!" Esme squeaked.

--

Amazingly enough, all of the next few months passed by with only minor disturbances: Esme, Sirius, and Snape were so busy actually trying to keep their jobs that they forgot to torment each other. Both Esme and Sirius planned to do the majority of their wedding preparations over the summer (perhaps _procrastinated _is a better word than _planned_), and Fred and George were struggling with planning a bachelor party; they harbored some minor hostilities towards Sirius. After all, he _was _marrying their only elder sister. There had been a minor period of angst when Esme received the wedding invitation she'd sent to Percy; it was unopened. She'd gotten rather angry and kicked the wall that divided her room from Snape's, causing it to fall down. It was quite an ordeal; getting it back up again.

There was also the minor distraction of Mr. Crouch, who honestly seemed to have disappeared. This was quite impossible, since everyone knows that there's no way to _really _disappear from Hogwarts. But now all that was past and the only thing on anyone's mind right now was the third task of the Triwizard Tournament. Every professor had been too tense to speak on the fateful morning, even Esme cast nervous stares at her brother every time she saw him. The day had passed in a stream of clumsy examinations given to students who couldn't pay less attention.

Now the end of the day had finally arrived, and Esme and Sirius waited with bated breath, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the Weasleys. Twice now, red sparks had shot up from the magnificent hedges, and they'd seen Fleur Delacour and Viktor pulled out by the field guards. But it had been over an hour since then, and there hadn't been a sound.

"Oh I hope they're all right," Mrs. Weasley broke the silence in a tentative whisper.

"I'm sure they're fine, they know what they're doing," Bill attempted to comfort his mother.

"Are you kidding?" Esme snorted, ignoring Bill's glare, "They're teenage boys! They don't know anything." A few more minutes passed, and then, suddenly, a cry was heard from an area closer to the maze's exit, and the audience began rushing down. Sirius, Esme, Bill, and Molly all ran ahead of everyone else to see the cause of the turmoil.

Lying on the ground was Cedric Diggory, dead, with none other than Harry Potter by his side, barely able to stand. Both Esme and Sirius went very, very white.

"Everybody, back away!" yelled Sirius, as he pushed his way through. Esme and Sirius began forcing the crowds back just as Moody grabbed Harry by his collar and ushered him away. Esme pushed to sobbing sixth years away, commanding everyone to get back to their house. Dumbledore approached her, looking much more serious than when they last spoke face-to-face. "What's going on, sir? What happened?"

He looked her in the eye, his powerful stare penetrating her frightened, confused expression, and whispered softly, "He's back."

--

"He said that he's back." Esme gripped Sirius' robes for support. She walked between him and Snape up to the castle. She and Snape were unharmed yet shaken, and blood was flowing freely from Sirius' nose, but he was otherwise fine. As they walked, McGonagall ran up to them, her black bun flyaway, and worry lines drawn upon her face.

"Come with me," she said sharply, with an uncharacteristic hint of panic in her voice. "There's an emergency, we must get to Moody's quarters quickly as possible." The spark of fear in her voice was an instant healer for the trio, and they immediately straightened up and ran after McGonagall.

They sprinted until they met Dumbledore, who seemed to have just broken into Moody's office and stunned him. He glanced at his workers and whispered instructions.

"Miss Slain, please escort Sirius to the hospital wing. Severus, you go get the strongest Truth Potion you have. Minerva, please go down to the kitchens and fetch me the house-elf Winky. Please return here when you have done so; there is much to discuss."

--

"So he's back?" Esme whispered. The clocks had just struck midnight, and she, Snape, and Sirius were the last ones awake in the hospital wing. Snape nodded gravely. Esme bit down on her lip. "Severus, what are we going to do?"

"The only thing we can do," he said staring into the faces that he had once loathed; the two people who he had never felt farther from, yet at the time were his closest friends, "is stand together."

Sirius looked deep into his eyes, the eyes that he had had so much fun tormenting throughout all of school, just to see the flicker of pain and misery in them, and nodded, raising the last glass of pumpkin juice they'd been given, "Together."

Esme nodded, looking small, scared, and young beneath the blanket wrapped around her shoulders, but she too, raised her glass and her eyes to the men she loved more than life, "Together."

--


	12. Chapter 12: Epilogue

Disclaimer: Ditto marks

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Only a short chapter today.

--

"Miss Slain, Mr. Black, I have called you here for a reason." Dumbledore sat plaintively behind his desk, smiling gently at the two lovers. "The Order of the Phoenix, the one thing that can protect the world from Voldemort, has been reborn, and many of its old members are to join the fighting." Sirius squeezed Esme's hand in anticipation. Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued, "However, because you two are getting married, and the Order's new headquarters is being moved to your old home, Sirius, I feel that you two would be best to stay home, plan your wedding, and rid the Grimmauld Place of any infestations."

"What?! Why?" Sirius cried out. Dumbledore looked at them strongly, his smile fading.

"Mr. Black, I have seen many young couples' love torn apart by our wars. I have seen mangled, broken families, and I have seen the pain in the ones left behind. I will _not_ allow your love, as pure as it is, be the first to fall!" Sirius bowed his head, contemplating this.

"Yes, Headmaster," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

_Meanwhile, in the Dark Lord Voldemort's secret lair…_

"Um, My Lord?" Lucius raised a hand cautiously.

"What is it, Lucius?" Voldemort, looking exhausted, rubbed his temples.

"Um, I was just curious about why we're meeting in an abandoned car dealership."

"It's not abandoned! It's just closed! Tomorrow there'll be loads of Muggles here that we can kill, and eat!" Dead silence. "Anyway, it has come to my recent attention that, at Hogwarts, _your school_, Severus, a young relative of Harry Potter teaches. A sibling. Is that true?"

"It is, My Lord," Snape nodded. "Her name is Esmeralda," Lucius gasped softly, causing heads to turn his way, but Snape continued, "She is about to marry Sirius Black. I've taught alongside her for two years, and she was a student of mine."

Voldemort nodded, looking pleased, "Excellent. Kill her."

"May I ask why?" inquired Snape. "I mean, this woman isn't exactly a _threat_ to us. She's not exactly bright. Is there another reason you want to kill her?"

"Yes," Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "You see, Severus, I don't know if you know this, but the girl is a _sibling_ of Harry Potter." His voice rose a few decibels, "We cannot allow his next of kin to live!" His face turned dark, "When I take him down, she'll turn around and kill me. It's what big sisters do!"

"My Lord, I don't think you have anything to be afraid—" Snape began, looking rather frightened.

"KILL HER!" he screamed.

"Yes, Master," Snape muttered, rolling his eyes. Voldemort smiled and twisted smile.

"And Severus, make it interesting. I want to laugh when I read her obituary."

--

**A/N: **That's the end of this story! The next one will be up soon, it's called _A Wedding to End All Weddings _(different from the original title, I know).


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